Ain’t: Don’t y’all hate it when Northerners hit you with that “Ain’t isn’t a real word” https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ain’t#usage-1

Aspic: child torture for parents across the south (pronunciation guide: ass-Pick)

B

Beyoncé: Y’all northerners try to claim her, but she’s our’s. Back OFF

Biscuits: and graaaaaavy, breakfast of champs

BBQ: if it don’t make you feel sick, it ain’t real. Hint: grilling tofu in your backyard ain’t it

Bojangles: the Mcdonalds of the South, but better.

Black-Eyed Peas: No, not the band.

C

Crazy Grandma: You ain’t really southern if you don’t have a crazy, out there grandmother that may or may not have voted for Trump because of “Crooked Hillary”, just keep rolling your eyes and maybe she’ll stop

Country Music: “Country Music is about the stories of everyday Americans” Yeehaw cowboy!

Cholesterol: You want it, we got it

D

Diversity: we got that, we ain’t all white, contrary to popular belief

Dixie Chicks: hate ‘em, why? Because we like war apparently. *takes a break from burning albums in parking lots 10+ years later*

E

Evangelicals: Let’s not get started

F

French Accent: Have you heard a real southerner try to speak french? Now that’s funny. bon-JOUR Ge m’APPLE maDAME Flynn.

G

Grammar: we make our own rules #2 kool for skool #fightthepower

H

History: we can’t escape it, no matter how hard we try

Hazzard, Dukes of: Yeah, when your grandfather can watch all day and make you watch some of it, you know what’s up.

Humidity: you get so used to it that when you move up north, you kinda miss it

J

Judgmental: I would try to disprove this, but I probably can’t

Jesus: Challenge-let’s see how many things you can justify with this simple word

K

Kin: your people, you have it, but can also find it

L

Language: apparently we do that weird, so much so we have a Wikipedia page about it (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southern_American_English) What even is a diphthong?

Low Country Boil: the pinnacle of human cuisine

M

Moonshine: If you see a clear liquid in a mason jar….

Moss, Spanish: Eerie and cool, yes. Pro-tip: don’t touch it. iykyk.

N

Nosy Church Women: Serving looks since the start of time. Practically Medusa.

O

Oil: (or boil) now that a fun sound southerners make. Oil. Hear it right?

Okra: Don’t you love the slimy feeling as it slides down your throat. Just a little?

P

Paula Deen: We don’t want her, you can take her. (see: Cholesterol and racism; now that’s a combination)

Pickup Trucks: “I drive your truck/I roll every window down and I burn up/Every back road in this town/I find a field, I tear it up/Till all the pain’s a cloud of dust/Yeah, sometimes I drive your truck” Very meta.  (see “Country Music”)

Periodt: the proper pronunciation of period. Periodt.

R

Racism: have you watched the news? Cracked a book? It happens everywhere.

Rednecks: Aren’t we all?

Rodeos: a good time, don’t knock it it till you try it.

S

Sexual Relations: “I did not have sexual relations with that women” Hun, who are we kidding, sit down.

Steel Magnolias: I true testament to Human Art, quintessential to human existence. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen this movie five times with all your friends

Sweet Tea: There are two types of people: humans and people who don’t like real southern Iced Tea

T

Taylor Swift: in case you didn’t know she’s from like Connecticut or Minnesota or something like that

Tuscaloosa: What a fun name. Say that six times fast.

U

Un-American: apparently anybody that isn’t a straight white male, but we’re working on it

V

Virginia: When people say Virginia isn’t southern, it just mean they haven’t been there, we have more than enough rednecks to fill the quota + sweet tea, so sit down!

W

“When I was your age…..”: Abort, make all attempts escape

White Cracker Convention: i.e. every southern government est. 1776

X

What the hell starts with an x

Y

Y’all: a staple of southern dialect, “all y’all” is more advanced structure

Yankee: Y’all Northerners think that we go around calling all y’all Yankees. Yeah, nobody does that.

Yee Haw: nobody seriously says that

Z

Zoom: We gotta drive fast/reckless  (see Dukes of Hazzard)

It was the middle of the winter when my mom and I went on a road trip just the two of us. To where you ask? It doesn’t matter. I guess none of these details matter, it could happen anywhere: the car, at home, in a grocery store. Because this moment is like that recurring character on a soap opera that just won’t ever die. Anyways, back to my story, I guess I go on unusual tangents sometimes. So yeah, I’m sitting in the car with my mom for a couple of hours going somewhere, and we’re having a conversation about god knows what–anything that comes to my mind. But eventually comes the line: “Will! Why don’t you ever shut up for five minutes?” To which I respond, “Jeez calm down.” And so the quiet lasts an hour maybe two if she’s lucky. And then I bring up something again, and then the conversation begins again. And again, you guessed it, an hour later she hits me with the same like again. I just don’t ever shut up. Why don’t I, you ask? I guess I haven’t thought of that.

There was an Andover student named Rip, a particularly lazy Andover student. He had already declared to himself that schoolwork was already of no use to him, for he thought it was one of the most “pestilent” tasks know to man. He was a ragged mess, and he was content with this. You know what they say, working hands are the Devil’s workshop, right? The Den was his was where he dwelled most of his time.

But, one day, he wandered into the library for the first time because he decided that he might try to write his dreaded English paper. He wondered to himself, “I didn’t even know we had such a building, but better yet, who in their right mind would spend their time here?” To him, it had a stench of tears and misery. But he had no experience with those emotions because he had never done any work. In silent, he fell asleep, taking a nap atop one of the tables.

But when he awoke, something seemed off, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. As he escaped the library, he realized that he did not recognize any face. He voyaged through his familiar pits of Phillips Academy, but found no one he knew. He came across a portrait where the beloved face of John Palfrey once hung. But, it had been replaced with an unfamiliar one. What could have happened to the OG head of school? Suddenly PAPS spotted him and thought there was an intruder and tried to arrest him. Oh wait, they can’t do that they have job descriptions similar to mall cops. So they did what they could do is drag him to the feared Cluster Dean. Luckily for him, one of his old classmates who had become a teaching fellow recognized him. He suddenly realized that he had slept for ten whole years. Instead of being distressed, he was happy that he didn’t have to turn his English essay in, and though “Hey, I should do this more often.” And he lived in his blissful laziness, slumbering through eternity.

 

• “Battle Scars” by Lupe Fiasco

 

Of course, this had to be on the list. Of course, I have to melodramatically complain about all of the “plight” of being an Andover student and this bop is perfect for that. My complex relationship can be summed up by this song. On the surface, I complain about how it is so difficult and emotionally traumatic. But deep down, I like it here. I say one thing and mean something completely different. What’s new?  

 

• “#icanteven” by the Neighbourhood

 

Responsibility? Over Thanksgiving Break? That’s a thing? I forgot about this when I said I was happy to come home. I honestly can’t believe my parents are doing this to me. Maybe Andover wasn’t so bad after all. Catch me dodging responsibility by constantly being asleep. If you’re asleep you can’t be forced to do chores, right? Wrong. They are going to drag your ass out of bed.

 

• “This is How We Roll” by Florida Georgia Line

 

All I can tell you is that my mixtape has “little something bumping, thump, thumping on the wheel ride.” In my opinion, the best part of vacation is whipping around town with all your friends screeching out everything on the radio with our hands up. This gives me life: a good playlist is a force not to be underestimated. “This is how we roll. This is how we do.”

 

• “Dead and Gone” by Justin Timberlake and T.I.

 

Anything by JT is a bop. Periodt. Plus, this how Andover got me feeling during finals.

• “Fluorescent Adolescent” by Arctic Monkeys

On a more serious note, I find it interesting during extended family gatherings, everybody envies the youngest kids, wishing they were at that stage of life. I think that contributes, at least in part, to the awkwardness of these gatherings. It interesting that all adults want to be kids again, meanwhile all children want to be adults. I guess that’s the way life goes. However, I am at that in-between age so I feel like both at different times.

 

• “Night Shift” by Jon Pardi

 

This is one of those songs that sound great, but then you look up the lyrics and it is all about sex. Great! I wish I hadn’t known. But I chose this song because of its title, not the sex. During school breaks, I always stay up really late into the early hours of the morning for no reason, as teens usually do. So like, Nightshift, shifting to working/hanging out at night. Get it? Forget it.